Saturday, December 2, 2017

One More Light

Who cares if one more light goes out? Well, I do.

Today's post is a little bit different from what I usually write about, but this topic has been on my mind for a while now. As some of you might already know, a few months ago Chester Bennington of Linkin Park committed suicide. I grew up listening to Linkin Park and played their music religiously, so when I heard the news I was in complete shock. I know its common to hear the passing of a celebrity however, his death has left a huge impact on me. Not a day has gone by since his passing that I haven't thought about him, which at first felt really strange to me. Now I believe the reason why his story touched me is because of the fact that I've had some people close to me try to commit suicide. Growing up I didn't really have a lot of friends and I cannot be thankful enough for the amazing friends I have now. Just the thought of possibly losing them made me an emotional wreck, and me not knowing what to do about the situation just made me feel that much worse. If I were to lose them my life would be completely different right now. The saddest part about the whole thing is that depression really has no face. Someone can appear to be happy on the outside, but can be beating themselves up inside. This is why I can't stress enough how important it is to check up on even your "strongest" friends, because at the end of the day you really have no idea what they are going through. How do I know? Because I'm one of them.

For years I've been stuck in a battle with myself and I'm still not sure what to do, or how to handle it 'til this day. Whenever I open up to my friends about how I feel or what I've been through, most of their responses are usually "wow, I had no idea." I've always had a big heart and want the best for people. That being said, I am always trying to encourage my friends to follow their dreams and stay positive, when in reality, I struggle with that myself. Although I've been told I have very positive aura, I still find myself feeling down every now and then without any particular reason.

After doing so much research and trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me, I believe that I might be suffering from moderate depression. So far all the signs have been pointing to yes. The thing is, "might" is not good enough. The word depressed gets thrown around like nothing and I do not want to self-diagnose myself. I want answers, but I'm not sure how to even explain the way I'm feeling. My breakdowns have always been so random and while the uncontrollable tears roll down my face, I search for answers why and constantly fail to find an explanation. I've never bothered telling people about these breakdowns because I don't want anyone to feel the need to pity me. I always felt that if I told somebody I was feeling down, but didn't know the reason why then they'd think I'm just looking for attention - and if anyone truly knows me, then they'd know the last thing I want from anyone is attention. I don't have enough fingers to count the times I've pretended to be asleep and silently cried in my room to avoid my parents from asking me what's wrong. All these years have gone by and they still don't have a single clue. 

So what is the point of me sharing all of this on the internet? Well, writing is the best way for me to express myself at the moment. With this post, I'm hoping to touch someone who might be going through a similar situation. You are not alone and you will never be alone. I've created the habit of bottling up all of my emotions until I reach my breaking point and I'm asking you to not be like me. Depression is not a joke. Mental illness is very much real. Self care is so important and like any other significant change you want to make in your life, it needs to come from within. Don't be afraid to speak up.

xo, Lisette
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